They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
