You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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