stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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