I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
