I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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