Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
