I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
