Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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