My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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