Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
