my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
