Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
