Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
