I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
