I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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