I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
