last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
