My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
