I just pynch a tree in the face
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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