When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
