I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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