I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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