If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
