Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
