so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
