When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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