Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
