I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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