If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
