explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
there is glitter all over my balls
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
