i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
