Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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