Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
