i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
