You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
