Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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