Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
