it's too hot outside to masturbate.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
