pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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