funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
