Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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