Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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