Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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