At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
