does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
