apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
