I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You made out with two different species that night
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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