My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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