I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
