oh god the rape fog is back!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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