It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
