i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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