imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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