hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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