my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
